In the accompaniment series to Breaking Bad, Talking Bad, creator Vince Gilligan gives verbal clues about upcoming episodes. His clue for the episode Ozymandias was, “Look upon Walt’s creation and despair.” The word “Despair” is defined as, “To lose all hope,” and secondly, “To be overcome by a sense of futility or defeat.” To lose all hope. Futility. Defeat. These words are just the tip of the iceberg in the ocean of devastation that I and the rest of the Breaking Bad fans now drown in. In an attempt to help those who currently wish to curl up in a dark hole and die, I have devised a few survival techniques in order for us to readjust back to ordinary life until the penultimate episode next week.
1. Call the police. No television show can legally subject you to this level of emotional trauma. I mean, at some point during the episode they must have crossed a boundary somewhere from legal to illegal. While you’re at it, call an ambulance too. I need an oxygen mask and one of those defibrillators to restart my heart OH WAIT, that’s right, Hank’s dead, you tore out my heart Vince, you tore it out and stamped on it.
2. Sit in a bath tub of ice cubes to numb the pain. As you lay back and slowly freeze to death, you may cast your mind back to this quirky little TV show you used to watch that also featured a bath tub in one of its earlier story lines. That’s right, it was about these two guys, out of their depth, down on their luck, who tried to dispose of a body in said bath tub. It went wrong of course, but it didn’t really matter because the thing about these two guys was that they always stuck together through thick and thin no matter what…and that’s how it always stayed…and it never changed…la la la denial is the safest place for meeee…
3. Call in sick. The real world isn’t going to understand what you’re going through right now. Forget them, they don’t matter.
4. Load up your weapons, pack up your chemistry kit, and attempt to hunt down Walt yourself. O.kay, so he doesn’t exist. Are you really going to let that stop you? After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. This man, this beast, needs to be dragged down to the pit of fire and brimstone from whence he came and now that Hank’s gone, who’s going to do the honours? Jesse? Maybe. But things aren’t looking so hot for him right now. It’s time for the fans to step in. It’s time to catch us a Heisenberg! As a side note please don’t use this as an excuse to hunt down Bryan Cranston, he has enough on his plate trying to keep Lois and the kids happy.
5. Honour Hank’s memory by brewing your very own Schraderbrau. Stick on a purple shirt, sit back, and remember all the good times as you crack open Hank’s famed home brew. Maybe you could invite some other Breaking Bad fans out of hiding to join you. Clink your bottles, look up at the sky and say together, “ My name is ASAC Schrader and you can go fuck yourself,” before swigging down your beverage and wiping the tears from your eyes. Have one on Gomie too. Oh Gomie…
6. Hide under your bed and hold your breath until the next episode. This time out will help you emotionally prepare for said next episode, entitled Granite State and of course the final episode the week after, Felina. Perhaps you could smuggle a laptop under there with you to research potential clues and predictions, but if I were you, I would just lie in the darkness and concentrate on recovering enough to resume watching.
So there you have it. Some of you may be wondering quite how these tips help us readjust to ordinary life but those of us who have watched this truly magnificent series know the truth. There is no ordinary life now. Only Breaking Bad.