To the geniuses at O2,
Having viewed your latest advertising campaign, I have felt compelled to help you out with a couple of pointers. Firstly, telling your customers to “Be more dog” is essentially telling them to “Be more idiot.” Furthermore, using a cat to illustrate this point is like asking Morrissey which One Direction member is his favourite; insulting! Why on earth you would opt for being “more dog”, when you could be more cat, is absolutely beyond me.
My cat associate, professor of economics and human-owner Puzzle Hussein is similarly perplexed. “For thousands of years various civilisations throughout history have loved and loathed cats in equal measure, “she reflects. “They were worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt and feared as instruments of the devil in medieval Europe. To equate someone with a cat is to equate them with great power. Furthermore, to imply that a cat’s day only consists of being “aloof” and “coldly indifferent” as you do in the television advert, is not only ignorant, it’s offensive.”
This isn’t the first mistake that I have noticed in O2’s marketing campaigns over the years. Just a few months ago they launched a new tariff that, according to its website, allowed, “customers to get the latest phone whenever they want.” Honouring phone contracts at least ensures that you hold on to the same phone for a reasonable amount of time and, by dispelling this, it seems to me that O2 are in fact endorsing the fickle, “throw away” society that we live in, seduced by the “latest” this and the “latest” that. As if to emphasise this ephemeral nature, they have recruited the actor Sean Bean and, as well all know, Sean Bean dies in EVERYTHING. The phone must be scarcely out of its box when one hears the mournful Yorkshire tones of Sean from the TV set, as good a reminder as any that life and its contents are fleeting and thus another upgrade is due.
Returning to O2’s “Be more dog” campaign, countless posters with the words, “Life’s a stick – go chase it,” depicting a cat holding the aforementioned stick in its mouth have suddenly adorned the bus stop that I frequent. Why, as a dog, would I “go chase” the stick when, as a cat, I could sit back on my feather cushion and wait for the stick to be brought directly to me by one of my human slaves? I’m not stupid, 02. I know what you’re doing here. Asking your customers to “be more dog” is basically asking them to become your unquestioning, obedient and loyal servants.
In contrast, asking them to be more cat would be akin to opening Pandora’s Box; a whole torrent of terrifying traits like independence and intelligence would come flooding out and drown out the business altogether. Or would it? Perhaps if more advertising companies recognised qualities such as these in their customers, they in turn would feel more respected, more valued as human beings and not like the mindless animals like those at O2 equate them with, eager to lap up any old shit that’s shoved in front of them. Or perhaps not. If the number of Youtube hits that the advert has gained since being uploaded are anything to go by, the world has readily accepted “being more dog,” much to the detriment of all civilisation everywhere.
P.S If you think conducting an interview with my cat is a sign of a mental breakdown, you’d be wrong. Very wrong.